So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
