forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
