so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
