I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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