Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
