watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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