Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
