It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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