I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Randomize
