So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
