i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
