just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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