im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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