i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
