No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
