I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
