i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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