There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
