I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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