I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
