So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
