Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize