I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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