I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
