He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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