We won't sleep together?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
