my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
