omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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