i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Can I color on your dick again?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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