dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
