My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
false alarm, still single
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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