Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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