you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
