I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
