Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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