why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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