I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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