so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize