I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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