Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
