I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
