WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
