i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
