Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
