I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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