I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Success! We fucked roommates!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
