if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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