We're facebook friends in real life
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Are my feet made of real feet?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
