I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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