i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
