did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Oh god it's open bar.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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