Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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