Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
