I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
