So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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