the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
