i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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