If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
