i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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