wakey wakey hands off snakey
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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