My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
