So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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